June 26th, 2006
I got my Self Realization in Vienna, Austria in 1982 and it was a really dark period of my life, so dark actually that I was considering to commit suicide because there was no reason to continue really, there was no light at the end of any tunnel that I was in.
So one day I was walking on the sidewalk in Vienna in the evening after work and I had an invitation to a party and usually that meant getting so drunk that you had to take the next day off, it was quite a wild time. So I was walking home in anticipation of having a light dinner and going to the party and I see this newspaper ahead of me on the sidewalk and people walking around and somehow my attention is fully drawn to that newspaper. And I had no knowledge about Kundalini and chakras, but I did know about a few things beyond the normal consciousness so somehow something told me this is something important, so I walked up to this newspaper, picked it up, I opened it and the first thing I see is this photograph of an Indian lady smiling at me and that was an unbelievable experience because the smile went right into my heart, it was like a million suns was lit inside of me and just sunshine and love and pleasant feeling.
I had no idea, I just saw the picture, I didn’t read anything, I didn’t understand anything, I was just standing there looking at this and I was feeling, “Oh my God! What is this?” So, after a little while, you know people kind of bump into you and I realized where I was and then I started reading the article, it talks about vibrations and Kundalini and it didn’t mean anything to me because I didn’t understand it, but at the end of the article it said that this lady is actually here in Vienna and she is going to give a lecture. And then I realized oh, that’s today, and it’s just in two hours, so I ran home, changed and then I went back and because it said the entrance was free, I knew I had to go early to get a good seat, so I was probably an hour early, I was sitting in the first row center, my ego had to be up close to check out what this was.
Then there was an introduction given in German by a Swiss Sahaja Yogi who spoke German with a very bad accent and my ego was constantly making noise while this was going on, “what is this guy talking? He can’t even talk properly” and what he was saying didn’t make sense. But then again this amazing experience, the door on the side of the stage opened and this Indian lady walks in wearing a white sari, smiling-radiant beyond imagination and I was absolutely spellbound, I could not take my eyes from her.
So then she started talking and it was like a balm, it felt so soothing, whatever she said, but I did feel that it was way above my head, it was like a huge flow of something going over my head, I was too low to catch that. And while all this was going on, my brain was playing games with me giving me ideas like “what are you doing here, we are missing the party, you don’t understand anything in any case, what’s the point in staying, let’s just go and have some fun, that much we can do.” But somehow I stayed and then at the end of it the meditation was going on and Shri Mataji said, “now is the moment of Truth, if you don’t feel it then it makes no sense to you.”
So, I was really in anticipation of what was going to happen. It was not as spectacular as I thought it might be, but I did feel the cool vibrations, which was amazing and then my heart was telling my brain, “So now, what are you going to say now? Now I am feeling it - I actually feel it, so what argument can we have against them now? It is there.” So that’s how that ended and I couldn’t leave, I was hanging around in the room and I was watching the yogis taking the decoration down and Shri Mataji had left and the saris came down and the photograph came down and the flowers were taken, I was still sitting there, totally blissed out and then someone is tapping me on my shoulder and telling me it is time to go and when I walked out through the door that guy was standing there and he gave me a flower, and he said, “This flower is from Shri Mataji and it’s for you.”
And that was really amazing, it was such a moment of tenderness for my heart, that had such a crust around it of so many incidents happening- it melted completely, I knew I am home, the struggle is over and I have arrived, It was a great experience.